I decided Sabrina, my alias, was going to be a preppy academic. I ordered the salmon plate, cutting my asparagus into three pieces, trying to become as petite as possible so he would want to ravish me. His jewelry was tasteful; rings adorned his fingers and a slim, gold chain hung around his neck. During the next few months, I would come to learn that he prided himself in dressing well. We always finish at 4 p. Grabbing my hand, he pulls me onto the bed beside him and hands me a fancily wrapped perfume bottle.
He laughs and hands me the bottle while I make a mental note to pay more attention when my girlfriends gush over their brand name purchases. I wonder which one of them I could regift this to. To dress the part of a sugarbaby, I spent entire evenings at high-end outlet stores, despite shopping being an activity I absolutely loathe doing.
I quickly discovered that pretty clothes itch. They ride up. They involuntarily spill your boobs. You needed sleek shoes and accessories to match. If the dress was sophisticated, the makeup had to be on point. Adorning my physique was fun at first, but quickly became tedious.
I realized that when I changed myself to adhere to what I thought a sugarbaby should look like, I grew to despise myself with such venom. It felt like no amount of concealer could subdue my eye bags and my body protruded in all the wrong places. Exploring the physical realm of femininity is a virtue and I had thoroughly sullied in order to satisfy the male gaze. The trappings of stereotypical femininity ate up so much of my time and money; I was weaponizing femininity.
Overtly sexualizing myself gave me indirect power, over and through men, by using patriarchally approved channels. Dolling up soon began to accompany a sour aftertaste. And it always left me so, so tired. Growing up, I was quick to learn that it is never a compliment if a man wants to fuck you. Sugaring opened my eyes to an extension of this teaching: just because someone wants to fuck you does not mean they will listen to what you have to say. By choosing to play the game, one can argue that I was admitting to my powerlessness against men and my only hope to affect anything was to appeal to men and subsequently manipulate them.
