A few weeks ago, my good friend Kayo and I decided to do a joint writin g project about Japanese culture and society. The first topic we agreed to write about is dating. Specifically, dating Japanese people in Japan. Kayo wrote her piece from the perspective of an outgoing, independent, and overall badass Japanese lady. Be sure to check it out here. As for my piece, well, I did my best to convey what navigating the Japanese dating scene is like for your average white dude.
As a something, not particularly outgoing, average-looking white male, the most effective way for me to meet people has been dating apps. There have also been a few people I met organically in real life, but they were few and far between. Not being Japanese, the first thing you should know is who we are limits our options. Japan is an insular society with a heavy cultural emphasis on conformity. Then there is language. Japanese language is extremely high context, and the level of mastery you need for a healthy, fulfilling relationship goes far beyond what you need with friends or for business.
Just that it tends to require a lot more empathy and patience than dating someone from the same culture. It really depends on the person, but there are a few things that I now make sure to look out for at the beginning of our relationship. The first is about having friends of the opposite sex. She expected me to ask permission to hang out with them, and would only give it begrudgingly.
Now I know. The second is expectations about leaving Japan. In contrast, places like my home country of Switzerland are portrayed by the Japanese media as being akin to heaven on Earth.
Your average Swiss is shown as happily frolicking down mountainsides holding cute woven baskets filled with gruyere and baguettes. Naturally, people who feel exhausted with their lives in Japan figure the grass must be greener at the chalet. Usually you can tell when during the first few dates, your romantic interest asks you how long before you plan to go home, and how wonderful it must be to live abroad. Third is expectations about marriage and family. While the gap is not as wide as in other Asian countries, there is still more social pressure in Japan for women to get married and have children than there is in most Western cultures.
