I recently started dating again. As I met a few men my age, I noticed a problem, though: instead of having feelings of attraction, I felt guarded and edgy. This problem occurred whenever I browsed dating profiles of available fifty-something-year-olds.
The feelings of apprehension would peak as I thumbed through the images of these graying men hanging out with family, engaged in their favorite activities, or poised at their workplace. I began to wonder why this might be. I suspected some unconscious obstacle was messing with my mind.
Instead, what was happening was this: I was searching for men who reminded me of my late husband, who was still young when he died. The death of a husband or wife is well recognized as an emotionally devastating event, being ranked on life event scales as the most stressful of all possible losses.
The intensity and persistence of the pain associated with this type of bereavement is thought to be due to the emotional valence of marital bonds linking husbands and wives to each other. In other words, something powerful inside me was guiding me to re-establish the severed bond.
Like a skipped needle attempting to follow the distorted grooves on a scratched vinyl record, my life had jumped forward. The truth is, after spending nearly an entire lifetime with the husband of my youth, I still feel the imprint of him on my soul. Many of my widow friends have privately shared that they have decided to opt-out of looking for love.
