I found myself in a polyamorous relationship entirely by chance when I was recently divorced for the second time. Until then, I barely knew what the term meant, and I had never met anyone who loved in such an unorthodox way. Don first reached out to me at a local swing dance. Soon after, he shared that he was dating two other women besides myself and acknowledged that he was polyamorous. In spite of my initial discomfort, it was clear that Don possesses a long list of qualities that are attractive to me β smart, sexy, honest, fun, giving, a great dancer β and I knew I would regret not taking this relationship as far as I could.
I would never have sought out a polyamorous situation for myself. I realized that my greatest fears are displayed in neon lights in a polyamorous setting because multiple partners share time and attention.
Even after years of hard work in therapy and other types of self improvement, I am still terrified of rejection and abandonment. Sharing felt more like competing, and I lived with a constant risk of someone else being chosen over me. But I wanted to maintain my connection to Don, so I decided to figure out how to make this work.
It became apparent very quickly that I was way outside my comfort zone. But that stretching turned out to be exactly what I needed. While I could never have imagined these growth opportunities before polyamory, I knew I could not have experienced them in any other way. Instead, I must develop that validation from within myself. Providing this reassurance on my own remains a struggle, but the end result will ultimately be a stronger sense of self than if I continue looking for that validation from other people.
Polyamory short circuits my tendency to make myself available at all times to anyone whom I am dating so that I can ensure they will not abandon me. In a monogamous relationship, I let go of my interests and social activities and focus on that one person.
