Letting go of realism and sticking my toe into abstract art. Take a ganderโฆ. I also made very large copies and have some up in my home. Memories, like wriggling worms, are unearthed regarding my time serving in the Canadian Armed Forces. I joined up in The inspecting officer would stand very close to address me while I stood at attention and did not move, not even my eyes should shift from a fixed gaze while his nose nearly grazed my neck to catch my scent. Nor, I knew, should I demonstrate my revulsion if I wanted to be successful.
Later I overheard him bragging about inspecting me with my puffed out chest when standing at attention. Oh brother. So began the boys-will-be-boys attitude of my time in the Canadian Armed Forces. It now angers me to realize the wrongs and subtleties of the situation. It has taken a long time for them to unearth. I was tainted by my upbringing in a tough male environment with an overbearingly masculine father and four brothers plus two much older sisters. The memories of the worst transgressions had been suppressed for three decades.
I have pried open the can of worms containing all of the ridiculous double standards, innuendo, gaslighting, sexual misconduct, male toxicity and worse. The worms wriggle and remind me of another offence which had been buried. The head of that worm poked up randomly today.
I had completely forgotten how furious and freaked out I was and how I screamed at him to just get the fuck out! I felt unsafe and exposed. There was no chain on the door. Tossing and turning and hoping he would not return with his master key. We both had a couple of drinks and we were joking around, bantering, sitting close to each other on a fallen log in the rain forest, just out of the circle of the campfire party that was happening for first years.
Before I knew what was going on he pinned me down on my back. Kissing me brutally. He easily overpowered me. He was so strong! Afterwards when we both realized that he had just raped me, our friendship was over and things were quite awkward. It was shortly thereafter that I saw a photograph of myself on one of the main bulletin boards for the wing. In the photo I was fully clothed but someone had drawn a big red circle around my pelvic area with an angry SLUT!
