I have never been comfortable with leadership. Nonetheless, there I was leading a five-day retreat with twenty-something seasoned leaders, activists, counselors, and other people more qualified than I was to lead it.
On day four it cracked. Diverse expressions of a seething dissatisfaction rose to the surface — a cacophony of unmet needs. Many of them seemed contradictory: some wanted more embodiment; others more deep intellectual discussion or more on practical applications.
Some requested more structure and leadership from me; others wanted less from me and more from other people.
One person said that she felt to even impose a structure upon a group, and take it upon myself to administer that structure, was an inherently violent expression of patriarchy. Another was in anguish that as we sat in that room, rainforests were being cut down — and what are we doing about it? The best I can say is that listened to everyone without getting defensive, and tried on each criticism like a piece of clothing. But I had no idea what to say, who was right, or what to do next.
Notwithstanding my having no idea what to do, something larger than any of us held us all in its hands. Afterward, the conflicts that had come up before it felt resolved, even though none had been met directly.
