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Years ago, I was in a relationship where I was not happy. For personal reasons, I insisted on staying and was unable to make the decision to leave. But the reality was, even though I genuinely loved this woman, I could not find peace in the relationship. We had a bipolar dynamic, with incredibly invigorating highs followed by significant crises that I never saw coming, and this was a daily occurrence. I was confused because I was not used to living in such chaos. The majority of our arguments were related to money.
We clearly did not agree. I had to regularly reiterate my request that she find a job to at least cover her minimal needs, but she resisted, and I was left alone with my needs and my anger.
When she finally decided to do it, the money slipped through her fingers, and I still ended up having to take on more of the financial burden than I was comfortable with.
Added to this was a significant mindset difference related to spending. I was very frugal, planning the budget out of financial insecurity. I remember that leaving the grocery store, the bill often included more items bought on a whim than those on the list, which also fueled my anger. I felt this jeopardized the future of our relationship. So, nothing changed; it was an unsatisfying status quo.
At the time, I was limited in my ability to navigate my emotions and accept them responsibly. In reality, I felt suffocated and was unable to express myself to be heard or to ask for help to get out of this space of suffering that I was imposing on myself by choosing to stay, while resenting my partner for it. Thus, my anger grew, and I could no longer control it. I began to have outbursts at every little thing because I was overwhelmed, and at night, my nervous system was so overloaded that I would jump in my sleep, to the point of not touching the mattress anymore.