Adultery has existed since the dawn of marriage , yet it remains one of the most misunderstood and emotionally charged betrayals in relationships. If we love our partner and feel loved in return, surely, we are immune to the threat of betrayal. After all, affairs only happen in troubled relationships, right? While relationship dissatisfaction is often a big factor, my work with couples over the years has revealed a more complex reality to why people cheat. I have counseled individuals in genuinely fulfilling marriages who found themselves entangled in affairs.
I made a huge mistake. So, what is really going on here? How can someone deeply in love with their spouse, someone who cherishes their relationship, end up betraying it? Understanding this confusing and painful paradox is crucial to both partners preventing infidelity and recovering from it. In our hyper-connected world, temptations are more abundant and accessible than ever before.
Work trips, social media , dating apps, and even casual social gatherings expose us to endless opportunities. The barriers to acting on an impulse have shrunk. What used to require effort and secrecy is now just a swipe or message away. For some, the sheer convenience makes it dangerously easy to slip. Even in a loving relationship, individuals with low self-esteem may find themselves seeking validation from others. They may hear words of affection from their spouse daily, yet it never seems to penetrate their inner doubt.
The excitement of someone new desiring them can create a temporary surge of self-worthโa high that leads to compulsive behavior. Unfortunately, this external validation is fleeting, leaving them emptier than before and often prompting a destructive cycle. Sometimes, infidelity is not about the partner or the marriage but about the self. People may crave a reconnection with parts of themselves they feel they lost in the routines of marriage. They long for the spontaneity, passion, or freedom of their younger selves or aspire to their ideal selves.
The affair is less about seeking another person and more about reclaiming a forgotten or untouched identity. It represents a desire to feel alive, to escape the confines of roles like spouse, parent, or provider, and to rediscover the person they once wereโor wish they could be. Emotional or Sexual Disconnection. Even in strong marriages, periods of disconnection are natural. Partners may coexist peacefully but drift emotionally or sexually.
